(Excited for your movie gurl)
So we're starting out at Baby Aurora's ridiculous christening partay or whatever. It's the kind of party those money spending mom's from "Extreme Kids Parties" could only dream of. We've got nobility and peasants crowding round to wish her happy birthday or something even though she's prolly busy being a baby and SLEEPING but don't let hat stop you. Every baby needs a plethora of gifts from the entire kingdom random strangers, duh. MiniPrince Phillip arrives with a gift of gold, frankincense or myrrh (I don't know which wise man he is) and looks upon the royal crib. So unimpressed.
(Babies look weird or maybe that gift of beauty hasn't kicked in yet?)
Arriveth the 3 fairies! The "good" fairies. With the pointless gifts. Red fairy's all "yo gurl I be giving u the gift of beauty innit" because that's obviously all that matters in life, as long as you're pretty you're worth something. </end rant> Green Fairy next. Even more pointless is "yo gurl have the gift of song yo" because unless she's gonna become the next Adele I don't think she needs it. Ya done goof'd fairies. You fucked up.
IN STRIDES MY QUEEN. In full fire and Rage, BOOM. Maleficent is here. If y'all had invited her as well as the rest of the damn kingdom she'd have probably not tried to kill your daughter, Stephan and Mrs Stephan, it would have taken like 5 minutes. I appreciate a good evil laugh and damn Maleficent you kill it! I feel like she's probably the "evil" one because she'd have given her intelligence or the gift of being able to hold a conversation with people. Y'all keepin the woman down!
Bluey's turn. Instead of dying, Aurora's gonna sleep until her true love/man gives her a smoochy smooch. Super creeps cause she'd have been asleep for 100 years so she'd be wrinkled up like a raisin and she's ASLEEP.
Red's plotting their immediate fairy downfall because ain't nobody wanting to be human really. Anyway she locks them in a jewellery box and tells her dastardly plan to keep the babby safe in a cottage. And not tell her until she's 16. So selfish. If I was a Princess I'd wanna know where my tiara at, y'know? Or my parents, that's important too.
Red dresses them up like simple scullery maids. Magical maids.
(come on giiiirl gimme yo magic)
Anyway Aurora grows up to be happy and beautiful like the lil songbird she is, and no one questions where the princess has gone. Because who cares right? Maleficent is shouting at her troll minions because they have spent 16 years searching for the baby aurora because they're thick as hell and don't realise babies grow up. Cue mad magic rage! Lightning bolts for errrrrybody! Send the bird to do the job, birdy knows what's up!
These characters have amazingly groomed eyebrows considering there's probably no one to thread or wax them.
Blue has the BEST idea to get the wands because magic makes life easier. Red and Green have grown to fond of being mere mortals and making mediocre birthday presents for their lil princess though and quickly shoot her down. Let's face facts here: Green doesn't know shit about Baking, and Red is never gonna be in charge of a major fashion house with these talents...
(Coco Chanel is laughing at you not with you)
Blue starts the crying and reminiscing process about how their lil princess is all grown up because she's just so interesting to be around and stuff. Aurora meanwhile is exercising her pipes singing through the forest with her animal friends because humans don't want to talk to her lolol. Phillip falls off his horse because her singing is oh so beautiful and so is she and that's literally her 2 redeeming features even though his horse is like OH HELL NO MOTHERFUCKER except after being bribed with food.. So they meet and sing and dance and it's INSTA-LOVE even though all they know about each other is their names. Great way to start a relationship. Though their dancing scene is beautifully animated, I'll give you that one Disney.
Back to the cottage and Red has taken the dress abomination to a whole new level by covering it in an assortment of bows. Green's cake is so big she has to prop it with a broom because it's collapsing on it's own weight. Blue's miserable because she wants her dang wand y'all, and she's right. This whole scene is actually my second favourite of the movie because I love her dress and it's magical and wonderful. The cake's making itself because Green is useless. Blue and Red have a "pink vs blue fight" which gives them away to the crowravenbird. Dumbasses.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY AURORA YOU DON'T GET YOUR MAN NOW HAHAHAHA. SURPRISE!
Fairies hate to do this but she was already engaged because she don't get no say in her own damn life (coinkydink it's him but shh) then she gets super emo because she's a rich princess not a poor peasant like she thought and she can't meet the man in the forest again. Boo hoo Briar Rose, boo hoo indeed.
Meanwhile the two kings are getting hella drunk and eating all the dang food because that's what kings do y'all. The bard is also really drunk because he's a lightweight.
blah blah blah more talking more drinking, these kings are such lightweights they should come partay with my crew I tell you. Phillip pulls up on his horse and is like I'M GONNA MARRY A PEASANT BECAUSE I'M PROGRESSIVE AND THIS IS THE 14TH CENTURY LOL IN UR FACE
Cut to: Fairies smuggling her out of the forest. She's still emo but they don't care about that. She gets in her sparsely decorated princess room, gets her crown on and immediately starts crying. Instead of comforting her they just leave her to it. A+ Parenting.
THEN IT IS MY FAVOURITE SCENE IN ANY MOVIE EVER. Where she is guided through the fireplace by a mysterious green orb. Hypnotised by it's gaze she follows it up a grimy set of stairs and such and holy cheeseballs I just love the animation and everything about this scene jfc. The fairies are useless as per usual and take forever to climb up the single set of stairs in front of them. MAGIC SPINNING WHEEL APPEARS. Aurora wants to touch it for no freaking reason cause she's an idiot and Maleficent is all TOUCH IT DEAR and basically wins for like 10 minutes. The fairies set about making everyone fall asleep, on the stony floors in chairs etc, so when they wake up they are going to have the worst back and neck ache EVER. MotherFairies cover her feet with a blanket because you can't hide her beautiful face in case a man wants to kiss it ofc.
(That is not an ideal sleeping position really)
Meanwhile Phillip gets trapped in the forest by my fierce, evil favourite and is imprisoned in the dungeons which I presume makes up about 90% of Maleficent's castle because she has no friends. Obviously it takes the fairies a short while to get there and to figure out where he's gone but they get there. They free him and give him justice filled weapons I'm sure even Superman would be proud to wield, and Blue turns the CrowRaven into a statue because it's squawking all over the dang place. They also stop him have boiling oil of some description being poured all over him and spears and other weapons from hurting his precious little Prince head. Maleficent then makes a thicket of thorns surround the castle because ain't nothing worse than getting stabbed by a rose thorn of course. So our Phil hacks his way through that shit and I'm like is she really worth it, I know it's love and everything but Aurora is as dull as a sack of rocks.
Then Maleficent turns into the most fierce, majestic, evil dragon my eyes ever did see and I am disappoint when all Phil has to do is lob a sword. Like come on Mal, you can do better than that! Of course he wins and then kisses Aurora and YAY TRUE LOVE CONQUERS ALL. Except my dreams. I just want the villain to win for once. Just this villain, ain't nobody got anythaaang on my gurl Maleficent.
And then they dance and everyone's happy and I'm just like damn everything.
BUT YEAH I LOVE THIS MOVIE AND STUFF AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO WATCH HAH.
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